The Goddess Rambles

Sorry for the long hiatus, Folkses. I really have no excuses for you. Well, I actually have plenty, but they’re lame. Anyhoo, I’m back. You may all now applaud. I know you all must have missed me just terribly and are anxious to get on with your daily (ha!) dose of sheer awesome. Also, I am the most humble person I know.

On with it, then, shall we?

So, a very well cared for pet peeve of mine reared its ugly head again, this past weekend (and I can’t use that phrase anymore without thinking of Vladimir Putin). I overheard a conversation in which someone was ranting about all The Sex, The Violence and The Profanity in “today’s entertainment”, and because of this, will only allow her children to read Classic Literature. And the Bible.

Let me repeat that in case you didn’t catch it the first time:

Classic Literature. And the Bible.

Um.

A favorite pass time of my media-sheltered youth in Christian School was for me and my friends to look up and titter at various Bible passages. Points were given for archaic profanities, bizarre acts of violence and anything featuring The Sex, in ascending order. The book of Judges was an outright favorite. Dude, there was some CRAZY shiznit went down in the book of Judges. Actually the whole Old Testament (or Hebrew Bible as I now so sensitively refer to it) was one fun ride.

Here are some fun examples presented for your enlightenment and edification:

“There were two women, the daughters of one mother; and they played the harlot in Egypt. They played the harlot in their youth; there their breasts were pressed, and there their virgin bosom was handled…. she lusted after her lovers… and she bestowed her harlotries on them, all of whom were the choicest men of Assyria…. for in her youth men had lain with her, and they handled her virgin bosom and poured out their lust on her…. And she lusted after their paramours, whose flesh is like the flesh of donkeys and whose issue is like the issue of horses.”

Ezekiel 23:1-20

Goodness. It’s like a wholesomeness overload! More from the First Half:

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, as a long hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times.”

Proverbs 5:18-19

“Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree. I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’ Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine and the fragrance of your breath like apples.”

Song of Solomon 7:7-8

Nice sentiment, but I think I’d be concerned if my breasts looked like clusters of the vine. That doesn’t sound healthy.

But it’s not all fun and games, kids. Observe:

“And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him… Then the Lord said to Cain, ‘Where is Abel your brother?’ And he said, ‘I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?’ And He said, ‘What have you done? The voice of your brother’s blood is crying to Me from the ground. And now you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand.’”

Genesis 4:8-11

Oh, The Violence! Think of the children! But lest ye think it all pre-Christian, here’s some good stuff from The Other Part:

“And when Herod saw that he had been tricked by the magi, he became very enraged, and sent and slew all the male children who were in Bethlehem and in all its environs, from two years old and under….”

Matthew 2:16

“And behold, one of those where were with Jesus reached and drew out his sword, and struck the slave of the high priest, and cut off his ear.”

Matthew 26:51

I’m thinking this book needs some Parental Controls or something.

And then there’s the issue of The Classics. Oh, The Classics. Wholesome works of such Sunshine and Goodness as… Titus Andronicus, by The Bard himself! A gay romp through Roman politics in which a young girl is raped and mutilated and later avenged when her father bakes her attackers into meat pies to be unwittingly consumed by their mother! Cheerful!

There is, of course, the utterly wholesome tale of Oedipus Rex. Nah, leave the baby out to die. I mean, it’s not like he’s gonna live only to come back and have an incestuous relationship with Mommy Dearest and then stab out his eyes with her jewelry…

Or how about something from the staid and civilized Victorian Era, a time so wholesome that women were secluded during pregnancy because they reminded people of how they got that way (darn those voluptuous, enticing table legs)? I give you Bram Stoker’s Dracula. A venerated classic if ever there was one. Guaranteed to be found on any and every self-respecting bookstore “classics” shelf, right there next to A Tale of Two Cities and Tess of the d’Urbervilles. Standard curriculum Classic Literature.

And a very, very, I’m talking gossamer-veiled Victorian Penthouse Letters. This book should’ve been titled Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex, Ever, In Metaphors So Thin I Can’t Freaking Believe the Censors Missed Them (They Must Be Dumb As a Box of Rocks).

The same argument (“older is cleaner and better”) is constantly applied to music, as well. Those crazy kids and their dirty rap music! Back in MY day, we only had songs about cookies and puppies and rainbows! And not The Gay rainbows, either!

(Warning: not for the easily offended or the faint of heart) Ever heard a little ditty called Shave ‘Em Dry? Made popular by Lucille Bogan in… oh… 1935, although I think there might be earlier recordings of it. Officially, without question, the filthiest song I’ve ever heard. I’m not sayin’ go look it up right now. I’m just… sayin’.

But for those who would choose to go the path of “well, of course, that blues music” with all the unpleasant and even bigoted ramifications of such a statement, I point you to the whitest music ever, bluegrass. Or American folk music. Whichever you’d like to call it. Here’s a fun and sweet little excerpt from a 19th century ditty called Banks of the Ohio. Pretty! A song about a river!

I asked her if she’d marry me
And my wife forever be
She only turned her head away
And had no other words to say

I plunged a knife into her breast
And told her she was going to rest
She cried “Oh Willy, don’t murder me
I’m not prepared for eternity.”

I took her by her golden curls
I drug her down to the river-side
An I there threw her into drown
And I watched her as she floated down

Um.

‘Kay.

Now that I’ve thrown all of this sunshiny fortified enriched goodness your way, allow me to come to my point. I do actually have one (hush). I am not making a case for or against modern entertainment and its content, nor for or against classic entertainment and its content. I’m not making a case for censorship, certainly. I don’t think the Bible should be V-Chipped or Dracula removed from school libraries or Shakespeare taken out of English-class curriculum. I also don’t think parents should just up and allow their 6 year olds to brush up on their Chuck Palahniuk while watching Saw V. As a parent, it’s your job (and an admittedly fine line to walk) to both disseminate and moderate information, and to know what your child can handle and when, all the while judging the context and the delivery of the information according to your personal beliefs and values.

My point is that I’m really quite tired of hearing people who’ve obviously not bothered to do their own homework tout anything and everything Old Fashioned or Classic as wholesome. Yes, including the scriptures. Sex, violence and profanity are not modern themes. They’re human themes. They exist in the song and literature and artwork of every age and every culture since the beginning of recorded history. There is nothing new under the sun. (Cookies to the first person to identify that quote).