The Goddess Rambles

Imagine this, Dear Reader: It’s noon on a Thursday. The 9 year old is off playing at one friend or another’s house, the baby is finally napping, and there’s laundry to fold. Now, as every SAHM knows, the coinciding events of baby naptime/ dry laundry means one thing: “I get to sit down and watch an hour long TV show without guilt!” Because motherhood is defined by guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. More guilt than a pubescent Catholic schoolgirl with a crush.

So, you schlepp the laundry basket to the sofa, pour yourself that all-important noontime cup of coffee, and you turn on the TV. Ah, NCIS. A guilty pleasure if ever there was one. You adjust the TV to a pleasant volume and commence to fold. Intro.. Oh no! That female petty officer is jogging at night! This can’t be good. A rustle in the bushes. But she’s listening to her iPod. Petty Officer, listen! He’s in the bushes! Fold a pair of toddler pajamas. He’s going to get you! THERE HE IS! Fold a school t shirt. He’s chasing her! LOOK OUT! Fold hubby’s boxer briefs (mmm, boxer briefs). He grabs her! She’s terrified! Aaaand opening credits.

Knowing there’s at least 2 1/2 minutes before the show resumes, you turn your attention toward the coffee. It’s a gorgeous, titillating amber and it’s HOT, folks. Hotter than a Catholic schoolgirl reading Anne Rice by flashlight. You bring it to your face. Mmmm, smells delicious. Sweet amber elixir of life. You commence to take a sip.

Suddenly, “PROACTIVE! DIRECT BUY! SHAMWOW!” Someone is YELLING AT YOU!!! It’s 38 TIMES LOUDER THAN NCIS! You SPILL YOUR HOT DELICIOUSNESS ALL OVER YOUR LEGS, CAUSING 2ND DEGREE BURNS BECAUSE IT’S FREAKING LOUD!!! I WILL SELL YOU THIS PRODUCT BY MEANS OF AURAL ASSAULT!!!

Hate. Will. Kill. With. DEATH.

What on EARTH made advertisers think that the fastest way into my checkbook was SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF ME AND MAKING ME BURN MY LEGS??? Why is LOUD considered the best marketing strategy? Sorry, dude, but bursting my freaking eardrums is probably not going to convince to buy a Chia Obama.

These advertisers must be the same people who attend Town Hall meetings. They obviously subscribe to the same philosophy on how to be heard.

Dear Marketing Geniuses:

The quickest way to guarantee that I will never, ever, in a million years send a stinking dime anywhere near your direction is to scare me ****less and send me to the hospital with burns. You suck and I hate you.

Kthxbai.